Out Of Control, Out Of Your Mind

I usually don’t talk much about my personal life. Well—yes, I do. Especially when it’s part of my healing. And this particular situation? I’ve finally made peace with it.

Many of you know I wasn’t raised by my mother. She carries that regret, yet she keeps her distance—not only from me but also from my children. However, she maintains a special affinity for my sister and niece. At one point, I was told that because I was married, she couldn’t come around me as much as she did them. For the record, I’ve never harbored any resentment toward my sister or niece regarding this dysfunction. My feelings were never with them—but with the pattern.

For years, I would fester in silent despair, aching over my mother’s preference. The pain rooted itself so deeply that it began to show physically—I developed a skin disease that took over my life. At the heart of it, I just wanted a mother who showed up for me. A mother who stayed at my home, delighted in my presence, and let me care for her. A mother who chose me.

Over the last several years, I’ve ridden the emotional rollercoaster of trying to patch the void from my childhood. My mother lives with the guilt of not raising me and the resentment of her sister doing what she could not. In her eyes, she lost something she doesn’t know how to reclaim. Our relationship. She doesn’t know she can heal. She doesn’t know how to invest the time it takes to truly know me. She comes from a generation that often just “let things be” and kept moving forward—never pausing to process, grieve, or grow. It’s heartbreaking to witness how many in that generation may never know true emotional freedom.

Our relationship suffered under the weight of that generational silence. She would try to impose her will on me, and I simply could not conform. That wasn't me. And in her eyes, my boundary looked like disrespect.

I tried, more times than I can count, to be part of our healing journey. I invited her in, opened the door. But eventually, I realized I needed to fully embrace my own healing journey. I had to stop trying to control someone else’s healing process and redirect that energy inward—into how I respond, how I show up, and how I protect my peace when interacting with her in her unhealed state.

After all, I chose this family. I chose this life as the starting point for my growth into my highest self.

As I’ve moved through this healing, I had to release every emotional attachment that once triggered the hurt child within me. I asked God and the Universe to show me what needed to be healed—and one by one, those emotions were revealed. I sat with them. I cried over them. I stood up to them. I walked through them. And I did it all with the knowing that I was doing the sacred work of creating a healing environment within myself.

That healing environment is necessary—not just for me, but for my children. I didn’t want to unknowingly pass down my scarcity mindset around love and relationships. I didn’t want to project fears that they’d abandon me in favor of someone else. Those were my stories. My inner child’s fears. And now? I am rewriting that story through the way I interact with my children—with presence, patience, love, and emotional availability.

Today, I stand in peace.

I no longer carry the weight of past relational pain at the forefront of my life. I've learned to mother myself where she could not. I’ve learned to love my children in the way I always wanted to be loved. And I’ve finally accepted that healing doesn’t always come with apologies or reunions—but it can still come. Fully. Completely. Quietly.

Conclusion:

Healing isn’t about forcing people to walk with you. Sometimes it’s about choosing to walk forward on your own—and letting your peace be the proof. I am no longer trying to fix what someone else won’t acknowledge. I am no longer trying to shrink to fit into broken spaces. I am walking in freedom. And I honor the journey it took to get here.

Until next time, keep choosing healing. Keep choosing you. Do something for You, that only You love. Have a Love Yourself Day!

Healing begins from within—and I'm here to guide those who are ready to invite true transformation into their lives.

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